It had been a month since the two littles passed away and I was sinking deeper and deeper into the sadness that consumed my entire being. He was trying to pull me back to him, and I was pushing him further away from me. I kept telling him I needed space, but in reality I was trying to fill these two new holes with something that felt like anything.
I started dating a co worker, but it was really more of a distraction than anything else. I wasn’t that into him, but the challenge of getting him to sleep with me became a game that kept me entertained for a while. The only problem was I didn’t realize my boss was planning on letting me go soon. Only four short weeks after my littles died, I got let go from a job I had dreamed about since I was a little girl. Shortly after, I stopped playing the chase game with the boy I had been seeing, and two weeks after that, I found out I was pregnant. Turns out the game I was playing with this boy turned out to be Russian roulette.
Finding out I was pregnant came as a complete shock to me. I was told I could not have anymore children because of the cervical cancer I had been getting treated for for the last four years made it so my cervix would not be able to carry a baby to term. I couldn’t believe it. I had been having unprotected sex for years, playing the most dangerous game with my own body, and I had never once gotten pregnant. I slept with this boy four times and all of a sudden I was about to be a mom again.
It was the week of my birthday, and she called me out of the blue. I hadn’t heard from her in months and I was shocked to hear her voice on the other end of the line. “Hey. What’ve you been up to?” Hearing her voice everything suddenly came crashing back into me. How much I missed her, and still loved her. How I would give anything to just be with her again. It was like smelling something that brought back every memory you ever had of something you loved, and were sure you had lost.
“I was wondering if you’d maybe want to grab something to drink. Your birthdays coming up and I wanted to just see you. I miss you.” Now she was still dating the woman she had cheated on me with, so I was confused why I was suddenly getting an invitation to see her. This woman did not want her to have anything to do with me and she made that very clear. The last time I saw her, was about a month back when I tried again, desperately trying to get her back. Telling her all the things I would change and do to be with her. Telling her I loved her more than anything.
She told me she was not, nor was she ever in love with me. She had just used me because she was sad and lonely and this woman was the love of her life, not me. That I had never been her love. She looked me right in my eyes and said all of these things with no hesitation and no sign of regret. It was right after the littles, and I was heartbroken all over again. I had told myself that I would never let her back into my life again. That I wouldn’t let her use me any longer, but that was a lie I would tell myself over and over again for seven years.
I fought with myself, my brain was telling me I would be stupid to say yes to her. I was pregnant and how in the world was I supposed to tell her that? There would never be anyway she would ever be with me once she found that out. But my heart wanted to see her. Wanted to be close to her and see her smile and hear her laugh and was hoping she was calling me to tell me she wanted to be with me again. I finally agreed to see her, but everything inside me was terrified that once I told her the news, she’d leave, and this time I would never see her again.
We met at the bar she was working at the time, and I sat down and waited for her shift to end. She sat down next to me and ordered me a beer. “Oh no. Thank you. I have to drive. I’m not drinking tonight.” It was the only logical excuse I could come up with. She had already been drinking on the job, so she was pretty buzzed by the time I got there. She kept insisting over and over again until she finally just got the drink and set it in front of me. “I’m pregnant.” I blurted it out like word vomit and then instantly started crying. She just sat there and stared at me. The look on her face was like I had completely betrayed her. “You’re pregnant?” “Yeah. I just found out a few days ago. I didn’t know how to tell you before this. I was scared. I understand if you want me to leave.” I don’t know if I was crying because of the hormones, or if I was crying because I was so scared of what she would do, or maybe both. She said “I wanna take you to a movie for your birthday.” And that was the end of the conversation.
We ended up dating again. She had cheated on her girlfriend with me, and we immediately moved back in together. Meanwhile, he was still reeling from me breaking up with him and still could not understand what he had done wrong. I didn’t tell him I was back with her. I kept telling him I just needed space. I was still afraid of losing her, so I just kept him on a line I knew I could pull if she suddenly left again. I knew he loved me and I also knew I could use that love anytime I wanted to fill the void I knew she’d eventually leave in me again. It was then that I became his her.